I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
