Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
did i just pee glitter
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
