Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
