got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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