They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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