i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
