the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
