I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
