this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
