Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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