I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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