So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
