New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
time to smoke my breakfast
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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