nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
