you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
