I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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