I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
