So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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