I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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