i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
