my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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