Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
