last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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