Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
