The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
