i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
