I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Randomize
