I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
