everyone is single if you try hard enough
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
