just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
