i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
