you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
