so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You're like the curious george of whores
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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