I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
