Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
