Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
