He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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