my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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