i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
