Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
