My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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