remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
