Pappa wants mamma naked
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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