Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
