Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
