no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
