My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
