The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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