Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I need to align my fucking chakras
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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