I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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