Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
