i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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