and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
