Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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