I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
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I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
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im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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