I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
