i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
