a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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