Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
