In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
