So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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